and the burdens heavy.
my heart is hard
and the fears are plenty.
holding tight to what i know-
crippling fear & i won't let go.
wanting so bad to change,
wanting so bad to grow,
but oh so scared-
oh so tired-
and i miss you so. ]
a little poem written by me in 2002.
-----------------------------------------
latley i have that feeling like i can't keep up.
like there's never enough time in the day.
there's always one more thing i need to do.
one more person to call.
one more mouth to feed.
one more person that needs help.
& i'm tired.
emotionally checked out.
short tempered with my kids-FAIL
the wife with the healthy dinner on the table-FAIL
my new bible study-FAIL
waiting & hoping for where God wants our family-FAIL
tim & i were having a late talk the other night.
he was sound asleep & i creeped in next to him past midnight.
for some reason, i needed to be next to him.
spoonage, if you will.
i could've cried.
i was hoping he'd stay asleep.
i just wanted to lay there snuggled right up to his back.
he makes me feel safe. he's home to me.
after awhile, he woke up & we talked.
i tried to tell him what i've been feeling.
i've been feeling this way for forever, & it's so hard to put into words.
i had just finished reading a blog about a random family who had everyone in between at their thanksgiving table. neighbors. friends. people who had nowhere to go.
i could've smiled for days.
cause that's where i want my heart to be.
but lately, i feel like my life doesn't portray that at all.
i feel like i'm so far away from that.
i realized, you can't fake that.
you can't fake what they have.
& i desperately want what they have.
but you know what they have?
Jesus.
they ooze the love & hope & grace of Jesus Christ.
they don't have to try.
they just are because He is.
lately, i feel frozen. numb. stuck. disconnected.
like life is circling round & round & i can't catch up.
i can't hang on.
i used to be social. fun. love people.
and now?
now, i avoid conversation.
i put up walls.
i let few people in.
i'm sarcastic with people.
always in the defense.
i feel like i quit caring.
even though i care so much.
quit forgiving.
quit being free.
Lord, change my apathetic heart.
don't get me wrong, i'm happy.
my blog reads happy.
there's a lot of happy in my days with a+e.
but happy isn't what i necessarily want.
what my heart is craving.
does any of this make sense?
and i know i'm my worst critic, but you can't fake what ain't there.
but after our talk that night, i realized i'm the one missing out.
i'm missing out on the source.
my life is busy. always something. always somewhere to be. to go.
always trying to keep up, but never enough time.
and my Jesus, my creator, the lover of my soul, has been pushed back, out, away.
slowly, without even realizing it, i have left Jesus behind.
the good thing is, He never left me.
and the weird thing is, He is still so good to me.
so good to my undeserving self.
[thank God salvation isn't earned, eh?]
i haven't really, truly worshipped in so long.
and i miss Jesus.
man, do i miss Him.
i've been hiding from Him.
how silly is that?
because i know, & He knows, that with one touch, one mention of His name, i'm a big ol' pile of goo.
i read my daily devotion every now & again, & woop-de-doo!
nothin' shakes me like it used to.
i tried to start a bible study at church,
where every chapter felt like it was written just for me.
i knew i should be there.
but nope.
one thing after another led to no more time with that.
sick for forever. ellie sick the next time. not finishing my dang chapters on time.
excuses, excuses.
i pray, but not on my knees. not like i mean it.
and slowly, my heart has been hardened.
i have so many walls up i never even realized were there, but yet i feel everything so strong.
i'm all over the place now. bringin' it home soon. i promise.
defeated. overwhelmed. guilty.
and why am i putting this all out there into the blog universe?
i have no idea.
why do i keep going back to this draft a million times to post it, but don't?
i guess it feels good to get it out.
to write.
to be accountable to someone.
to maybe connect with someone, somewhere struggling with the same things.
(this post has been sitting in my drafts for a couple months, so who knows if i'll be brave enough to publish it today)
cause you know what?
i know a God who woos me back.
He forgives me.
let's me begin again.
and i can't fake it anymore.
i need Jesus.
i want to be alive again.
i want to be free!
the bible says love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, & strength..& love your neighbor as yourself...do this & you will live! LUKE 10:25-28
2010 was a hard year.
one of the hardest i've had to face yet.
but thank the good Lord for 2011.
for new beginnings.
new mercies.
forgiveness.
i want to live again, Lord. really live. so here's my heart.
[a favorite worship song: ]
I am nothing, yet You bid me
Come to You, Lord Almighty
As I come I'm overwhelmed with You.
Humbly now I break the silence
As I'm weeping in Your presence
I'm so wretched, overwhelmed with You.
Your blood of redemption
Is covering my shame
Your voice that shakes the heavens
Is whispering my name
As You catch my tears with Your nail-scarred hands
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed with You.
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed with You.
------------------------------------------------
happy [feb of] twenty11, friends.
here's to a new start.
a new year.
new challenges to face with the same God.
He never changed. & He never will.
& thank God He's changing me.
He will not let me stay here.
i just can't.
He just won't.
He carried me through 2010 and He will continue to guide me in 2011.
hallelujah to that!
so here i go.
pullin' myself up by my boot straps.
givin' myself a good kick in the toosh.
feelin' the one from the Lord, too.
waiting on Him. hoping for this season in the valley to close.
molly, you cannot stay here. you must move your feet.
one. at. a. time.
[i told ya it was a long one.]
i know if i push publish, i'm putting it out there.
totally vulnerable.
making a promise to God.
to myself.
here goes nothin.
thank you for letting me purge.
pray for me?
22 comments:
i love you so much!!!
"Blessed are you who run to Him." Psalm 34:6-8
Believe it or not I think you're in a good place. In that spot where you are completely desparate for Him. Dependent on Him. You know that He is the only one that's going to making you whole and fill that void.
Two weeks ago I was feeling His presence like never before. I could feel a burning inside. And then last week it was completely opposite. He felt so far away. But it was because of me. My flesh was getting in the way AGAIN. I think most of the time we get in our own way. We're like sheep wandering around getting ourselves lost all the time. Good thing we have a good shepherd who COMES TO US and guides us back home where we belong.
Praying that as you run to Him He'll make His presence known to you. "I am with you always, even to the end of the age." -Matthew 28:20
P.S.- I was feeling super discouraged this week and so I must have listened to this about 100 times. It helped ALOT. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuLnd9oolzg
FIrst. I love you.
Second. I totally understand how you are feeling. SO many times in the past I have resisted TRULY crossing over that line in the sand...for Jesus. To be totally sold out for HIm.
I know what it's like to really want to want HIm, but not sure where to start.
He has been so faithful to me in the past month. I beg him every day not to let me go back to how I was....The joy I have when I surrender to him in the most crazy of circumstances. To follow him down a path where fear and trust are involved.
And now I feel alive. For the first time. I will pray he grabs you and assures you that he will never let you go. You are his. He has a wild mission for you every new day...and I pray that you will hold on for dear life and FEEL ALIVE in Him!!!
Love this! Getting all pumped up for you over here:)
oh molly, sweet molly. thanks for pushing publish.
i don't know what it is........but for the last, well, many months, i've been right where you are at. and WHAT? i even had a baby, shouldn't i be leaping lizzards with joy????
so thank you for sharing.
even though it's SO nice to read bright and cheery posts, i think it's EQUALLY great to read posts of friends in need of help. who need prayer. who are surrendering. because it's encouraging.
i'd rather share the ugly and brag up the good. so reading this makes my heart melt for you. i have compassion. i want to hug you (yes, hug) and say, "i'm so there with ya sister" i want to cry on your shoulder and let you cry on mine. and tell you about all the horrible thoughts i've had........
but, that's what makes the blog world so fascinating.
though we can't do those physical things to help each other with the keepin' on.
we can read, and listen and comment, and MOST importantly pray.
so i'm praying for you. and loving you well.
you are vulnerable now Molly - this is where God wants you, HE will swoop in and lift you up. and YOU will find rest in him.
you so sweet miss molly.
and,
i love you :)
Oh, Molly. I feel like you just took all of my feelings and published them on your blog. In a feeble attempt to blog I put what I was feeling out there... and it was as if we were both writing the same thing at the same time.
So much fear. So much apprehension. So much baggage. I thought I'd cried all my tears in writing my blog, and then I came to yours and cried all over again.
Purging my feelings. Purging my soul.
Praying praying praying for you, sweet Molly girl. Praying for your ever-changing heart in these never certain times. Praying for your ever obedient heart. Praying for your desire to following wherever, whenever He leads.
God is so good. God is so gracious. So loving. SO faithful beyond our understanding.
Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you and am keeping your in my thoughts and prayers.
ps. i don't want you to think i have this all figured out..there are days when i don't cross over the line in faith...and fail. there are days I do feel tempted to go back to my old ways
but when I do take hold of His hand and cross over and take baby steps into the wild unknown, that is when I do feel alive.
ahhhhhhh. it's a good thing i haven't worn mascara this week.
the best thing i can tell you: i am praying for you and i love you. and i mean it.
Thank you for such a beautiful post. The beauty of our Lord is that He never questions us when we come back to Him. Right now Stan is doing the BEST he can to keep you from opening up the word, or finding time for your Bible Study. Praying for you right now that those strong holds on you are throw off by the Lord and that you truly beleive that your Father can not WAIT for you to be in His arms again. It's a chore at first, but from there, you'll fall in love deeper and deeper and desire to come back to Him each day, all day. I beleive we need to remember what it is to live in desperation for Him. to NEED Him.
Listen to this if you get a chance this week- always changes my heart, every time I need it... all too often :)
http://www.ajesuschurch.org/teachings/teaching/?id=755&c=41
i hear you. i feel you. i've been there. i've been so sad & surprised & angry with my hardened heart before. the only thing i can think of in this moment is that the gospel reminds you of two things- that you're more sinful than you ever dared believe, & more loved and accepted than you ever dared hoped. i learned that a bit ago from a book called because he loves me and it's by elyse fitzpatrick. when i feel the holy spirit tugging on my heart, convicting me of my sin, i always go back to that quote. because without it i get lost in the despair of guilt for not being better & without it i think i can change on my own. praying for you molly. you are so not alone. thanks for posting. i was so encouraged.
Amen! I pray this for you. I pray this for me. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. I've been hiding from God for so long (dare I say years). Thank you for stirring me to reflect and pray on this-
so miss molly, it's apparent you're not alone. but that's the journey and JOY of life. without the struggles, how borring would life really be?
i don't know you outside this beautiful blog....but i think i have to share with you. the reoccuring message i picked up from your post was "fake". maybe it's because i am...hmm...opposed to fake? against fake? (i don't even know how to say it best). but when i lived in so. cal as a christian, i too felt i struggeled with keeping up with the jones' or kardashians...which ever you prefer. it's a struggle. it's tough. being a young married couple like my hubby and i, and like you and your little fam. even going to church i would compare myself to the other cute moms and wives. i too felt i couldnt keep up, wasnt good enough.
i dont know where im going but, i wanted to tell you, you're not alone and good good lord above wants us to be us. first we must love ourselves, then we can pour out the love on others.
also, ive read that your hubby has applications out to other places. a move was a good change for me. to get out of the so cal pace was a good thing for me. who knows where you'll end up. trust the big man and let him lead :)
i know good things are headed your way little lady. hang in there...and believe and know you're doing your best! :)
thanks for sharing your heart.
I just came across you blog and thank you so much for posting this. I feel like you were saying what I have been feeling for a long time too..that my heart has been hardened. I am praying for you girl and I know that we serve a Amazing God that does woo us back :)
Hi friend. I pray against all of the issues going on in your heart in jesus name (your hardened heart, your guilt, your distance from god....etc.) and I'm praying that he shows himself to you in a brand new way and refreshes your soul, makes you anew and allows you to feel and experience his freedom from the junk in your heart. Had it not been for his precious blood, we'd be dirty forever and never know redemption.
I agree, thank god, we dont have to earn our salvation or try to be good enough for god.
Love you, praying for you. we're all in the same boat together. you're not alone.
xoxo
oh goodness.
first I read your post, and then I scrolled through and read each wonderful comment from each wonderful woman, and wow. I needed it all.
just today I was crying in the van on the way to Target (my kids think I'm a nutjob I'm sure) because I was feeling so overhwlemed and discouraged by how BUSY life always is, by the fact that I've let things go that used to be important to me... things like loving and reaching out to others, encouraging where I can, finding the joy in HIM in every day, enjoying the oh-so-many blessings He has heaped upon me and using them to bless others, and simply rejoicing and feeling filled-up with Christ even when things don't go as I would like. I just feel a wee bit lost. So this post... oh, this post. It resonated SO deeply with me. and just look at all these comments! NONE of us are alone in this. And I know God will do big things in each of our lives if we simply surrender, just like you said. It's exciting. and hopeful. and comforting.
dearest Molly, you're brave with a beautiful heart, and most importantly with a longing for God, and that's how I know you'll be ok. He won't disappoint, He won't turn away. He'll wrap you up even tighter than before in His love and peace. I'll be praying for you, you know it. :)
so glad you spoke your heart to us! I just love you.
Thank you for sharing!
I just read "The Same Kind of Different as Me" (super good book), and felt like giving up on life, because my life consists of going to work and the gym, and that is it. I don't help homeless people, I don't do anything near what I was created to do, just work and gym. BLAH.
The Lord redeems ALL THINGS. Thank God for that.
Truly blessed by your blog... actually I need to re-word that, (by Gods blog)! He is using you in a beautiful way.
Continue to be that open and obedient vessel for Him, it's changing lives!
-Love Jenn Koch
Oh, Molly! Thanks so much for sharing your heart! I just want to squeeze you!
I wish I related a little less to all that you said :). How often have I found myself returning to the same patterns...disconnected from and indifferent to my Savior. I once told Kevin that that the process of regeneration was more than I could bear. That it would be better to be dead. I know that sounds a bit dramatic (and please don't think me your crazy/suicidal friend--because I'm not :)). But I think you know what I mean...why live in this miserable, sinful vessel, when it would be so much better to be in heaven worshipping God in sinless glory? Paul said it best when he said "to live is Christ, to die is gain", eh?
2010 was a rough year in our home as well...the roughest we've endured as a family! And so when I say I've been where you've been, know that I mean it! Your post hit so close to home that parts of it left me cringing! I know your struggle. I'm still struggling in that struggle. Please know how much I appreciate your transparency. I'm not glad for what you're going through. But I'm encouraged in the fact that I have a friend and sister who knows that in the midst of all of this, our God is there, our Jesus is still so very good, and our victory is found through him.
I think I've rambled more than enough! Love you, friend! Praying for you!
I belong to a different faith it seems than you (I'm LDS... as in LDS.org) but it definitely seems that life is a spiritual journey that is gut wrenching and hard for all of us. I start to slip on the things that are most important-- heartfelt prayer, scripture study, pondering, and at first it's no big deal but then slowly and steadily my spirituality wanes and then I'm in the same place as you described-- tired, exhausted, empty. But it takes just a moment to refresh, to turn back and then the Lord will take your hand and lead you where you need to go. I love it.
Oops, I totally left my comment box open for a few days! :)
I resonate with so many things in this post. After reading a few parts, I realized that I felt that way simply because I've been going through a very similar situation of hardening my heart, having unrealistic expectations, and in turn feeling apathetic about life.
Here's honesty for you: I had a hard time writing out that my heart is hardened lately too because I didn't think it was at first, and then I really didn't want to admit it.
I definitely understand feeling 'happy' while having a void and apathetic heart.
Thank you for sharing, for your honesty, and for your vulnerability. It is truly encouraging and motivating.
Thank goodness that salvation by grace (and NOT works) means that God loves us when we go through something like this.
I'm praying!
This song has helped me a lot the past few days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ffdbo9Hypo
Dear Molly...I love you tons! Miss you just as much! Your raw and honest post meant so much to me. I feel so many of your same feelings. Without writing my own blog as a comment I will just say I will be praying for you and I would love to get together this week?! I am off Tuesday & Wednesday. Let me know friend. It's been way too long:) Love you!
sweet molly! i feel your heart. i battle with the same thing. the moment i step away from Him, never intentionally, my life begins to feel like a pile of goo. every day really is a new beginning and this new beginning can be amazing. you've been on my heart lately and now i know why. xoxo to you friend.
Post a Comment