[the words are few
and the burdens heavy.
my heart is hard
and the fears are plenty.
holding tight to what i know-
crippling fear & i won't let go.
wanting so bad to change,
wanting so bad to grow,
but oh so scared-
oh so tired-
and i miss you so.
]
a little poem written by me in 2002.
-----------------------------------------
latley i have that feeling like i can't keep up.
like there's never enough time in the day.
there's always one more thing i need to do.
one more person to call.
one more mouth to feed.
one more person that needs help.
& i'm tired.
emotionally checked out.
short tempered with my kids-
FAIL
the wife with the healthy dinner on the table-
FAIL
my new bible study-
FAIL
waiting & hoping for where God wants our family-
FAIL
tim & i were having a late talk the other night.
he was sound asleep & i creeped in next to him past midnight.
for some reason, i needed to be next to him.
spoonage, if you will.
i could've cried.
i was hoping he'd stay asleep.
i just wanted to lay there snuggled right up to his back.
he makes me feel safe. he's home to me.
after awhile, he woke up & we talked.
i tried to tell him what i've been feeling.
i've been feeling this way for forever, & it's
so hard to put into words.
i had just finished reading a blog about a random family who had everyone in between at their thanksgiving table. neighbors. friends. people who had nowhere to go.
i could've smiled for days.
cause that's where i want my heart to be.
but lately, i feel like my life doesn't portray that at all.
i feel like i'm so far away from
that.
i realized, you can't fake that.
you can't fake what they have.
& i
desperately want what they have.
but you know what they have?
Jesus.
they ooze the love & hope & grace of Jesus Christ.
they don't have to try.
they just
are because He
is.
lately, i feel frozen. numb. stuck. disconnected.
like life is circling round & round & i can't catch up.
i can't hang on.
i used to be social. fun. love people.
and now?
now, i avoid conversation.
i put up walls.
i let few people in.
i'm sarcastic with people.
always in the defense.
i feel like i quit caring.
even though i care so much.
quit forgiving.
quit being free.
Lord, change my apathetic heart.
don't get me wrong, i'm happy.
my blog
reads happy.
there's a lot of happy in my days with a+e.
but happy isn't what i necessarily want.
what my heart is craving.
does any of this make sense?
and i know i'm my worst critic, but you can't fake what ain't there.
but after our talk that night, i realized i'm the one missing out.
i'm missing out on
the source.
my life is busy. always something. always somewhere to be. to go.
always trying to keep up, but never enough time.
and
my Jesus,
my creator, the lover of
my soul, has been pushed back, out, away.
slowly, without even realizing it, i have left Jesus behind.
the good thing is,
He never left me.
and the weird thing is, He is still
so good to me.
so good to my undeserving self.
[thank God salvation isn't earned, eh?]
i haven't really, truly worshipped in so long.
and i miss Jesus.
man, do i miss Him.
i've been hiding from Him.
how silly is that?
because i know, &
He knows, that with one touch, one mention of His name, i'm a big ol' pile of goo.
i read my daily devotion every now & again, & woop-de-doo!
nothin' shakes me like it used to.
i
tried to start a bible study at church,
where every chapter felt like it was written just for me.
i knew i should be there.
but nope.
one thing after another led to no more time with
that.
sick for for
ever. ellie sick the next time. not finishing my dang chapters on time.
excuses, excuses.
i pray, but not on my knees. not like i mean it.
and slowly, my heart has been hardened.
i have so many walls up i never even realized were there, but yet i feel
everything so strong.
i'm all over the place now. bringin' it home soon. i promise.
defeated. overwhelmed.
guilty.
and why am i putting this all out there into the blog universe?
i have no idea.
why do i keep going back to this draft a million times to post it, but don't?
i guess it feels good to get it out.
to write.
to be accountable to someone.
to maybe connect with someone,
somewhere struggling with the same things.
(this post has been sitting in my drafts for a couple months, so who knows if i'll be brave enough to publish it today)
cause you know what?
i know a God who woos me back.
He forgives me.
let's me begin again.
and i can't fake it anymore.
i
need Jesus.
i
want to be alive again.
i want to be free!
the bible says love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, & strength..& love your neighbor as yourself...do this & you will live!
LUKE 10:25-28
2010 was a hard year.
one of the hardest i've had to face yet.
but thank the good Lord for 2011.
for new beginnings.
new mercies.
forgiveness.
i want to live again, Lord.
really live. so here's my heart.
[a favorite worship song: ]
I am nothing, yet You bid me
Come to You, Lord Almighty
As I come I'm overwhelmed with You.
Humbly now I break the silence
As I'm weeping in Your presence
I'm so wretched, overwhelmed with You.
Your blood of redemption
Is covering my shame
Your voice that shakes the heavens
Is whispering my name
As You catch my tears with Your nail-scarred hands
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed with You.
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed with You.
------------------------------------------------
happy [feb of]
twenty11, friends.
here's to a new start.
a new year.
new challenges to face
with the same God.
He never changed. & He never will.
& thank God He's changing me.
He
will not let me stay here.
i just can't.
He just won't.
He carried me through 2010 and He will continue to guide me in 2011.
hallelujah to that!
so here i go.
pullin' myself up by my boot straps.
givin' myself a good kick in the toosh.
feelin' the one from the Lord, too.
waiting on Him. hoping for this season in the valley to close.
molly, you cannot stay here. you must move your feet.
one. at. a. time.
[i told ya it was a long one.]
i know if i push publish, i'm putting it out there.
totally vulnerable.
making a promise to God.
to myself.
here goes nothin.
thank you for letting me purge.
pray for me?
