a&e's story. part 2.

find part 1 here.
the first few days were a total blur. everything was new..different..strange. i definitely didn't feel myself. on top of just having a baby & having to adjust to not being pregnant anymore, i felt like i was thrown into a new way of life, the nicu life. i never imagined or dreamed it to be this way..everyone was so friendly, but to me it felt like a very unnatural way to start this motherhood gig. i couldn’t walk straight & i was still being poked & prodded through the night. ugh. i was pumping like a maniac, only to have all my milk put in tiny little bottles in the freezer for the day a&e were ready to feed.

all i wanted to do was hold my sweet baby girls & i couldn’t. i could hold their tiny hands in the heating beds, but i wasn’t able to hold them for at least a week. so i tried to take it all in instead. i would sit there for hours smelling their sweet baby smells, holding their hands, staring at every tiny feature on their faces.

we were told again & again that there was a huge chance they would be delayed, that something was going to be wrong with them. but everyday we patiently waited on God, trusting He already knew the results. waiting was the hardest part, but test after test would reveal that a&e were slowly being healed & restored. some of the doctors were truly dumbfounded, none of this made sense to them. day after day, brain scans came back normal. audrey’s hole in her heart was filled. ellie’s chest miraculously popped back up to normal. God had His hand on a&e the entire time. He breathed new life into them. literally.

it’s strange to look back on our journey in the san diego nicu. it felt like a lifetime, but was really only 5 or so weeks. tim & i lived in the trailor in front of his grandparents house. i couldn’t drive yet, so someone had to take me to the hospital & pick me up day after day. usually, it was tim’s sweet grandma. she was always so gracious & kind. it became a routine. get dropped off, sign in, walk to the nicu, say hello to all the familiar faces, wash hands, smell the sweet sweet smell of babies everywhere, scope out the room for the newest nicu members, find where a&e had moved to, meet the new nurse for the day, drop off frozen milk, sit, wait, feed, pump, washhandswashhandswashhandswashhands!

slowly but surely, a&e found their groove again. they were courageous little things. we saw miracle upon miracle. everyday would get easier..there was a light at the end of the tunnel afterall. slowly, they started to breathe on their own & learned to suck a bottle one small ounce at a time. they graduated to an incubator & got to wear tiny preemie clothes! i remember the day i walked in & saw them in the nicu crib..this was the highest honor for a nicu baby! this meant, they were no longer in critical condition, they were gonna be okay. it was then tim & i began to bond with our new babies. they were no longer distant strangers being mothered by random nurses behind thick glass, but our own flesh & blood, our daughters. skin to skin time was my very favorite. i could hold them like that for hours on end.

well, i could go on & on, but i’ll skip to the end so this doesn't turn into a novel. :) the day we got to take them home was the best scariest day of my life. these now 5 pound little girls were finally ours. no tubes, or nurses telling us when & if we could hold our babies. no schedules of what-to-dos & medications. what was i gonna do with them all day? how was i gonna do this on my own once tim went back to work? (which was literally the next day we got home.bummer.) what if their heart dipped & i didn’t know it? the what if’s could go for days, but i had to constantly remind myself that God had gotten them this far..He is faithful..He had a plan for my girls.

there were times in those first 3 months where i definitely felt like i couldn't do it anymore. i didn't sign up for this. i just wanted to throw in the towel..give them back..adoption anyone? there were constant feedings, never-ending colic & burping & spit up & no sleep &,...you get the drill, but like most moms, i wouldn’t trade it for anything in the whole world. no matter how tired & cranky i got, i was constantly reminded what a miracle audrey & ellie were to me. how God’s hand was at work all along. how much i had learned about God’s grace & perfect timing..His love for me & tim & each & every baby in that nicu. that these little lives were now a part of my story. how grateful i was to have healthy colicky babies home at last.

and now, three years later, i’m so glad i didn’t give them back! :) ha! because this motherhood gig is truly the best gig on the planet.

happy birthday tomorrow my loves! my red headed miracles!
we LOVE you to the moon & back!

here's some blips from a&e's baby years..oh, they were SO CUTE!!!

Untitled from molly w on Vimeo.